The first day

This is hard! I slept terrible. Last night C-- was missing her brother and wanted to go back. It's hard not to want that too. I keep asking myself what am I doing? A single person who has never raised a child. God is this really what you have for me?

I feel more upset, and literally my stomach hurts more, when I think that way. C-- really is a good kid. It's the emotions that are hard to deal with. I think I handled the situation last night okay, but it's the pain of separation from her family that is hard. I had to explain that even though some things might be the same, living with someone other than your family is going to be different. (Dear God please give me the strength I need.) She has friends in this area and her church is just across the street. With no contact with them this weekend that makes it harder. I also keep wondering if I should have waited until Monday to get her. But it is too late now.

My biggest concern is still day care; yesterday when I was praying God reminded me of the verse about the thousand cattle... Basically telling me to trust him to provide the money. There are other complications with this in specific to C-- as well, but there is nothing I can do about it today. Matthew 6:34 I can just pray that God will work everything out.

...I wrote that when I woke up this morning. It has been better since (10:10 am now). I decided it was okay to let her go to her church youth group. It is so close and at church for goodness sake. I didn't talk to the social worker, but with the level of privileges she had the lady at Polinsky made it sound like the social worker would say it was okay. I am taking a chance, but it is not fun for either of us to be cooped up in my apartment all day.

My visit to the children's center

This is probably one in a burst of posts. I keep getting the same questions, so I might as well share my answers here. (and this is a rather unorganized pile of thoughts by the way.) I am not sure about sharing some personal things like name, so you might have to have talk to me in person.

I went and visited, we'll call her C--, this afternoon. After a little mix up of her being the right child (a her for one thing; guess that comes with living with a dad and brother) we talked for a while. She didn't know what was going on with her living situation, and was likely wondering who and why this stranger was visiting her. I learned more about her, asked what she enjoys doing. Skateboarding was a big thing. ...She is going into 7th grade! Yikes, I was looking for early elementary. But I think this is good, in that there are a lot more things she will be able to do for herself. In addition, she understands what is going on and why - even it doesn't make complete sense. So we seemed to carry on a conversation okay and she sounded eager to come and live with me. That was encouraging to me. I am sure there are going to be challenging times ahead, pushing rules and boundaries, but she seems like a well-behaved child. ...I think she knows my neighborhood better than I do -- she is involved in the church youth group just across the street, so that will be convenient.

My biggest concern is what I am going to do while she in not in school. Her age makes this more difficult too. But God keeps whispering to me that I need to trust Him. He has certainly shown himself faithful this week when I have surrendered to Him. So I will take and deal with the challenges as they arise. I know what I need to do and worrying about those things because it is past office hours doesn't help anything.

I got a call about an hour after I left there that I could take her back with me after my visit if I wanted. Too late! But I wasn't quite ready to schedule a time just then. That caught me off-guard; I thought I would have a couple days to prepare. But after a couple hours I feel okay about it. It will probably be good to bring her to church Sunday. So I plan to call tomorrow and go and pick her up. I probably won't talk to the social worker until Monday though. Which is looking to be a non-office day for me.

What other questions? I can't talk about the reason for being in foster care... She has been at the center for two weeks. Wow! I realized making dinner tonight that she missed the 4th of July. We'll have to go watch the Sea World fireworks one night. =) My mom asked me on my way home what I was doing this weekend. I think now it looks like a weekend of shopping - Target here I come.

First phone call

I got a call yesterday morning. I had anticipated that morning something happening in this part of my life. I knew I wasn't supposed to call, but felt something was different. That the waiting time was changing/coming to a close.
It was scary; wow, what a decision to have to make. I was so thankful that the social worker told me I could take time to think it over. An eleven year old girl needs a home. There were pros and cons in what I learned, but I will always have that to deal with. It is a matter of if I can deal with the cons, really.
I worked yesterday and prayed all day too. I was amazingly focused on my job, which involved a detail-oriented project, while I continued to mull over what I learned about this child. Last night at home was much of the same. I didn't spend a lot of time on my knees about it, I felt I had been in communication with God all day. I just needed those thirty seconds or so down on my knees to confirm what I was feeling. That God had prepared me for this, and that I should say yes.
There were a few more questions I had to ask, but I figured anything terrible would have been shared with me initially. So I called this morning and got my questions answered. I was right, nothing I learned was bad, either what I expected or better. (those classes really prepare you for the worst) One thing I learned is that I can visit her in the children's center she is staying at. So I am going to do that this afternoon. It is both exciting and scary. What do I say? As I ask that God calms my heart, it is going to be okay. ... I will write more as things develop.

Waiting

I mailed my final training certificates in yesterday. Now I just wait for a phone call. I'm nervous and excited about it.
It's going to be especially hard at first, adjusting to each other, figuring out a routine. And the child will probably be sad and confused - I would be too if I was suddenly taken away from my parents. ...I know they talk about it being easier early on when the child is in the denial stage of grieving their loss, and that the anger stage is difficult. And some of the behaviors they might have along the way could be really odd to me, and even be difficult to deal with.
But I can't help (especially to keep from being overwhelmed) to focus on and look forward to the good times: the fun activities we can do together, the little smiles that sneak out from being silly. I will almost be teaching a child how to be a child. That just sounds like it has potential for fun.

Dealing with Loss

I have had a lot of people tell me about Christian foster agencies that they/someone they know are going/have gone through to do fostering. I suspect the support and approach is different. But I like that I'm just going through the county. Too often I can dismiss something in my life and not really work through it, just try to pray it away. While prayer is great, I am learning that it is important to not use it as a tool to run away from our problems. On the other hand, I can't forget how powerful prayer is, and need to use it as tool to help deal with the issues.
That might sound confusing. Let me try to explain what I have in mind. One of the topics that we have discussed in our training is loss. The instructors have said this a few times: we have to deal with our own losses before we help the children with their own. In example, it is not healthy for a foster to adopt family to not grieve the loss of their own potential child that the adoptive child is 'replacing.' They might not realize it, but resent the birth parents... So for me, I am thinking that there is a loss that I need to grieve. It may sound a little silly, but it is my privacy. I live alone and have for three years. I can do what I want, when I want, wearing whatever I want... So that is all going to change. I am not only giving up time and money, but my way of living. My world is about to turn upside down. I am excited about it, but I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit that it is going to be hard.

Mixed emotions

This week's foster training was the most shocking. Some of the things that the children face and do - oh my - taboo topics to talk about openly in our society, especially within the church. There were some issues that were presented that I really don't think I could deal with. That was the first time I have thought no, rather than, that will be difficult. In addition, the week had been draining for me. I am not used to be around people all the time, and I kept thinking how
I will have to get used to it. That alone is draining for me. I am doing this on my own. I began to question if this is right. Then I realized that my doubts were selfish and that is partly why I am doing this- not to live such a self centered life.
Then there was also a video we watched that had clips of interviews with children who had been in the foster system for years. I found that very moving and it made me want to encourage the church to intervene before it gets to the point where people feel hopeless. It made me think of a friend of mine who made a lot of changes in her life when she began a relationship with Jesus and the struggles she faced along the way. How difficult it was for her to ask for help without worrying about being judged. We as a church need to go reach lost people and show them love, grace, and that there is hope. I read "What's so Amazing About Grace?" by Phil Yancey years ago and was reminded of the lesson he gives on grace breaking the destructive cycle. It makes me consider creating promises for the children, including that definition of grace given in the book. He states that there is nothing we can do to make God us more and nothing we can do to make God love us less. That is the security and type of promise that these children need to hear to have hope. Lord help me to love these children in that way - the way you do.

Change in Habits

When I first began considering fostering, I was thinking about all the things that will have to change in my life. When I get up and get ready for the day, I will have to wake up and get ready a child too. I will have to make the child breakfast and maybe pack a lunch. I will have to park somewhere else so the child can get into my car... on and on throughout the day I thought of these things. But there is something that I didn't consider too much that I might have to change.
I have noticed this just recently about my television watching habits. I watch a lot of shows that are drama, now I gave up CSI a long time ago, but shows in that thread I enjoy, Chuck, Lie to Me.... Or on a lighter note, I like Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother. But I would not want a child to watch any of these. They would be scary, or might resonate too closely to their experience, or just reference activities that are above the level of appropriateness for the child's age. It's the summer now, so most shows are over, but I wonder what I am going to have to give up on in the fall? I record these shows; what keeps the child from pressing play on the DVR? Well me, yes, but I don't want to be just a rule enforcer, to say "I have a long list of shows that are okay for me, but not for you." No, I'd rather skip House and watch Nemo instead.