Friday, July 24, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
This morning, it was the same as it had been for breakfast most of last week - not hungry. Then, as was making a sandwich for her lunch she also made these statements: "I don't need a lunch. They'll have food there." As I told her, I was there last week, there wasn't food. That was followed by: "I ate yesterday, I don't need to eat today. You don't have to eat everyday." (I'm thinking, oh my goodness, does she really believe this? Has she done this or is she just being obstinate?) Of course I told her that she does need to eat everyday...
She ended up eating a bagel for breakfast. The smell of mine must have made her hungry. Who would have thought that eating regular meals was something I was going to have to model.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
- Monday afternoon I had followed her to another part of the beach we were at. When her and her friends were going to another place, she called out to me: "Jennifer, we're going over here now." Basically asking/telling me to come along.
- After picking her up from camp yesterday: "My friends like you- not as much as they like my dad, cuz they've known him longer..." The thing is, she wasn't around any of the friends I met that day.
- In talking about an activity she is attending tonight: "I don't think you can go. Not that I don't want you to go, but I don't think you are allowed to."
- Along those lines, a random comment, with no real context, where I think she was talking to me, and I think about about the church camp she's attending: "You could go, but it's too late to sign up." That was odd to me, why would I go to church camp?
- This morning she was volunteering information to me, telling me about yesterday. She sounded excited for today.
Okay, one more thing. or maybe two. I was telling her yesterday how so many people said good things about her and I was too and she said not to believe them. I told her from what I have seen, they have been right. So I was glad to have that opportunity for an encouraging word. This morning I snuck a napkin with a note "I love your smile" in her lunch. We'll see how embarrassed she is this afternoon.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
This is hard! I slept terrible. Last night C-- was missing her brother and wanted to go back. It's hard not to want that too. I keep asking myself what am I doing? A single person who has never raised a child. God is this really what you have for me?
I feel more upset, and literally my stomach hurts more, when I think that way. C-- really is a good kid. It's the emotions that are hard to deal with. I think I handled the situation last night okay, but it's the pain of separation from her family that is hard. I had to explain that even though some things might be the same, living with someone other than your family is going to be different. (Dear God please give me the strength I need.) She has friends in this area and her church is just across the street. With no contact with them this weekend that makes it harder. I also keep wondering if I should have waited until Monday to get her. But it is too late now.
My biggest concern is still day care; yesterday when I was praying God reminded me of the verse about the thousand cattle... Basically telling me to trust him to provide the money. There are other complications with this in specific to C-- as well, but there is nothing I can do about it today. Matthew 6:34 I can just pray that God will work everything out.
...I wrote that when I woke up this morning. It has been better since (10:10 am now). I decided it was okay to let her go to her church youth group. It is so close and at church for goodness sake. I didn't talk to the social worker, but with the level of privileges she had the lady at Polinsky made it sound like the social worker would say it was okay. I am taking a chance, but it is not fun for either of us to be cooped up in my apartment all day.
Friday, July 10, 2009
It was scary; wow, what a decision to have to make. I was so thankful that the social worker told me I could take time to think it over. An eleven year old girl needs a home. There were pros and cons in what I learned, but I will always have that to deal with. It is a matter of if I can deal with the cons, really.
I worked yesterday and prayed all day too. I was amazingly focused on my job, which involved a detail-oriented project, while I continued to mull over what I learned about this child. Last night at home was much of the same. I didn't spend a lot of time on my knees about it, I felt I had been in communication with God all day. I just needed those thirty seconds or so down on my knees to confirm what I was feeling. That God had prepared me for this, and that I should say yes.
There were a few more questions I had to ask, but I figured anything terrible would have been shared with me initially. So I called this morning and got my questions answered. I was right, nothing I learned was bad, either what I expected or better. (those classes really prepare you for the worst) One thing I learned is that I can visit her in the children's center she is staying at. So I am going to do that this afternoon. It is both exciting and scary. What do I say? As I ask that God calms my heart, it is going to be okay. ... I will write more as things develop.